How to Break Up in Iambic Pentameter: A Beginner’s Guide

Fact: breaking up with someone sucks.

There’s no way around it. Once you’ve decided to end things with your significant other, you’re probably going to hurt them in some capacity. It doesn’t matter if you’re nice, or quick, or harsh about it; especially if you were in a serious relationship together, it’s going to be difficult.

BUT WAIT. What if I told you there was a way to break up with someone while also maintaining (arguably) the best metrical line in the English language? Wouldn’t that make you (not to mention the significant other you’re about to so completely blindside with rejection) feel better?

I know it would make me feel better. After all, which is preferable: a breakup conversation that ends with, “I hate you and all of your guts and I regret everything and I’m especially going to delete you off of Instagram”; or, “Wait. Did you just break up with me in iambic pentameter? Because like, yeah, I’m mildly upset, but for some strange reason I also respect you and want to remain friends forever”?

The answer is obvious. That’s why I’ve compiled for you this beginner’s guide to breaking up in iambic pentameter, so that you can turn all your future awkward breakups into moments of ardent appreciation for the English language.

1. The Classic

“It’s just something I have to do for me.”

Ah, the old “it’s not you, it’s me.” The most classic of classic breakups. I know, I know: it’s never really not them, am I right? It’s always more like, “It’s not you, it’s me, but seriously you probably shouldn’t have forgotten my birthday. Twice.”

BUT NOW you can remove the crippling ego blow from the equation by displaying strong rhythmic control. This way, all the important parts of the statement fall on the stressed syllable: you’re not being mean, it’s just something you have to do. See? So much more pleasing to the ear than, “Please stop texting me so much, I’m feeling overwhelmed.” By breaking up with your partner using this classic yet metrically decent line, you’re sure to leave them truly appreciative and not at all upset.

2. The Extinguished Flame

“There is no spark I feel for you these days.”

Sometimes you need something a little bit more dramatic. Seriously, try saying this one in a vaguely British accent, looking longingly off into the distance. Pretty good, huh? It’s like, “Woah, slow down, Benedict Cumberbatch, you’re breaking my heart with your voice.”

But seriously, sometimes the passion dies in a relationship and that’s okay. It’s just distinctly NOT OKAY to let your partner know in an uninspired, arhythmic way. Friends don’t let friends be ineloquent monsters.

Like The Classic, delivering The Extinguished Flame necessitates really stressing those stressed syllables like spark and feel and you so that your significant other really understands what you’re trying to say. But also pay attention to the unstressed syllables here. Remember, you’re trying to get a subtler message across. The goal here is to have your partner say, “Spark? Feel? Me? That’s nice. Oh, but wait, what’s this: there was a ‘no’ in front of that spark. Oh, I guess there’s nothing here anymore. Oh. That’s totally a great use of traditional meter, though. At least when I go home to cry about this later I can think back fondly on all the good times we had together, and also all the times we successfully used decorated language over the years.”

3. The Sudden Reveal

“Oh, hey, guess what, I’m actually fucking Steve.”

Once in a while, subtle just won’t cut it. Sometimes, it really isn’t them or you but just that your ambiguously hot neighbor/friend/coworker/barista was totally coming on to you that day when they offered to buy you a pumpkin spice latte. I get it. Or maybe you’re in the middle of a fight with your partner, and words are getting heated. (Note: words getting heated is not a bad thing per se. But words should never get heated without STYLE.)

For cases such as these, it’s best to go with The Sudden Reveal. Devastating in an epic, Paradise Lost Lite™ kind of way, this type of iambic pentameter breakup says, “Sing to me, Muse, of that time I severely and absolutely demolished my significant other’s self-worth, basically to insignificant rubble, just as Troy was felled to the ground millennia ago.” Fortunately for you, your partner will be too awed by your impressive use of poetic technique to even notice the void quickly forming in their gut.

Note especially the tension inherent in this line. It starts out casually, as if an offhand remark, but then builds to a climax in the last three syllables. Your partner’s thought process will resemble something like this: “ ‘Oh, hey, guess what’ what? Are we going to see a movie? Are we going to compliment each other? Did you get the caramel Talenti for me again? Wait, did I just hear the word ‘fucking’? Wait, WHAT?! WHAT IS STEVE DOING IN THIS SEN — hold up was that iambic pentameter? My god, how beautifully phrased.”

Deliver this line to your significant other over a fancy dinner or while sharing a bottle of wine for maximum aesthetic appreciation. They’ll be sure to say, “You are such a poet. I cannot believe how much of a poet you are. Thank you for gracing my life with your golden tongue just now. I will remember this moment for the rest of my life. Adieu, adieu, adieu.”

4. The Ultra-Postmodern (a.k.a. The Iambic Ghost)

“ ’/ ’/ ’/ ’/ ’/ ”

Breaking up with someone in iambic pentameter is great, but what if you find yourself in the awkward position of not wanting to contact your significant other ever again? Nowadays, most people call this method “ghosting,” because you just disappear from the other person’s life — one day you’re getting shrimp Bloody Marys and going to a retrospective at MoMA, the next, you’re lying in the fetal position on your bedroom floor, your cat headbutting you for food, please, food; and wondering what went wrong. BUT NO LONGER. When you ghost in iambic pentameter, even the most tender-hearted of significant others will be able to appreciate your literary tact in heartlessly cutting them out of your life.

To ghost in iambic pentameter, simply send the marks typically used to notate iambic pentameter — for each iamb, ’/ (i.e., unstressed-stressed), only used here without actual words — to your partner after they’ve texted you for about the sixth time and seem particularly desperate (for instance: “Look, I’m sorry about what I said. You were right: plain vanilla ice cream is the best. I agree completely. Please just call me”). Then delete them from your contacts. Feel free to laugh dramatically while you do it (in iambic pentameter, of course: “Ha-HA ha-HA ha-HA ha-HA ha-HA”). And that’s it! You can now go and live your life. You can simply trust that your partner will understand your literary intent and spend several days admiring your postmodern command of poetic rhythm. They definitely won’t hate you.